If you’ve been in the dating game a while, I’m sure it’s happened to you. A guy from your past resurfaces out of the blue. Sometimes they were the one who broke things off, sometimes it was you. Also, it could have been that things just fizzled. No matter the reason, this happens to me ALL THE TIME and it got me thinking. Why do men come back?

Things ended for a reason

After someone turns up, your mind replays the relationship highlight reel. You think of the good times, the bad times and why things ended. Even if there wasn’t an official end to the relationship, letting things fade out is a non committal ending. Simply put, the relationship wasn’t worth fighting for so you let it go.

Sure, things ended for a reason, but now he’s back and you have a decision to make. As you consider your options, your mind goes crazy with questions. I wonder what he wants? Maybe he changed? Maybe things would be different this time? Was I dumb to let him go? Is this my last chance at happiness? Once your brain is able to zoom out a little further, you get to the bigger question.

Why do Men Come Back?

I call them Boomerangs. Your lives ran parallel for a time, you released him back into the wild and, now, he’s circled back. Since Covid hit, I’ve had eight men boomerang back into my life! I kid you not, one guy resurfaced while I was writing this post! But, why?! Is it related to Covid or is this a general pattern in relationships? The quantity probably has to do with Covid and the inability to escape your thoughts. So you’re driven to action. Outside of Covid, this has been a recurring pattern in my dating life. After giving each situation some thought, I identified the main reasons why men come back. Let’s look at the reasons through five of my past relationships.

Reason #1: What Could Have Been

A few weeks ago, I was on LinkedIn and clicked on the Who’s Viewed your Profile link. I lost my breath. Immediately, my mind returned to the summer I was 24 and had my heart broken into a million pieces.

We met on the beach while I was in Florida visiting friends. We had an amazing 10 hour date and talked about EVERYTHING. It was the kind of conversation where you feel like you are reconnecting with an old friend. Somehow this stranger knows you and gets you. After I got home, we talked everyday and sent eachother weekly snail mail. A few months into our long distance romance, we began planning a visit. Not long after, he started being distant and, suddenly, dropped off the face of the earth. I was completely devastated.

A few months later, one of his brothers contacted me out of the blue. During that phone call, I learned he was an addict and was fresh out of rehab when we met. His brother feared he was using again, which would explain why he’d disappeared into thin air. I felt the sting of this loss for a long time.

Now, back to present day. When I saw he’d viewed my profile, I did what anyone in my situation would do. I frantically Googled! From what I could tell, he was doing well. He’s married with kids and has a good career. So, why was he looking for me 13 years after our paths crossed??

Because I was the one that got away. All of those years ago, we developed major feelings for each other, but his demons got in the way of what could have been. He boomerang-ed because he still thinks about me and wonders what would have happened if the circumstances had been different. I’ve often wondered the same thing. I guess we’ll never know.

Reason #2 Why Men Come Back: He Wants you Back

We dated for almost a year. He was amazing at the beginning, so attentive and invested. We wanted the same things. From the get-go, his intentions were clear: he wanted to get married and build a life together. Music to any gal’s ears, right? But, he had unresolved emotional trauma from his childhood and it affected our relationship. Everytime we disagreed or argued, he disappeared and cut off all communication until he was ready to talk. This behavior was very hurtful and unhealthy. I gave him multiple chances to change, too many probably. Eventually, I ended it. I could not sign up for a lifetime of dysfunction, no matter how good of a person he was. This was four years ago.

This guy has been boomerang-ing for years! He reached out every few months for three years. At first, I entertained it. He said me missed me and knows he messed up. But, I realized nothing had changed. He hadn’t worked on his issues. Eventually, I blocked him because every time he contacted me, I’d consider seeing him.

I always came to the same conclusion though. Why would I jump back into dating him when it would be more of the same? He boomerang-ed because he realized he ruined something great and wanted me back. Unfortunately, the damage is done and I want more than he can give me.

Reason #3: Indecision

I met him nine years ago. We dated for a few months and were easy between us. He was sweet and genuine. But we both had -ish going on in our lives and the spark eventually faded. I moved to a different part of the state, but we kept in touch over text. He reached out periodically to ask for relationship advice. I knew he didn’t talk openly and vulnerably with many people so I didn’t mind lending an ear.

This went on for a few years. During many conversations, he’d bring up how much he liked me as a person and missed me. Sometimes he dipped a toe in the water to check my temperature. Trying to see if the door was open or not, but he never made a move. Last summer, he reached out to tell me he’s ending an unhealthy relationship and wants to see me. After eight years of this back and forth nonsense, I gave it to him straight. I reminded him that I’m looking for my forever person and am not interested in his drama. I told him to “clean up his side of the street” and I didn’t want to hear from him again unless he had.

Although he’s a nice guy and is well intentioned, he’s indecisive and timid. He stays in bad relationships too long because he can’t decide what he wants. He boomerang-s a few times a year to find out if I’m still available. But he never pulls the trigger because he can’t make a decision. Bottom line: I don’t want to be an option. So, unless you’re ready for an adult relationship, I’m not interested.

Reason #4 Why Men Come Back: Guilt

I met him through a dating app and we had an instant connection. We had so much in common, even stuff that didn’t matter, and we wanted the same things in a partner. We went from zero to 60 mph fast and I fell for him hard. He said all the right things and spoke from the heart.

However, he was also honest about not being over his last relationship. Naively, I hoped he could process that experience while spending time with me. But, the mixed signals got so confusing. He was falling in love with me, but shouldn’t be dating anyone. What am I supposed to do with that?!?

The more I tried to draw him closer, the more he pushed me away. After he said he wasn’t able to put effort into maintaining our relationship, I ended things. I wanted to meet in person to get closure and exchange stuff, but he declined. He was really hard to get over.

Randomly, he messaged me over the summer. We hadn’t spoken in two years. It was a polite conversation about the pandemic, family and work, but we didn’t talk about anything substantive. So, what was the point? Why had he reached out?

A few months later while scrolling through my social media newsfeed, a picture caught my eye. He was married. Looking back, he boomerang-ed because he felt guilty about how he treated me. Although he didn’t make it clear at the time, I think he was trying to iron out the wrinkles from his past before he got married.

Reason #5: You’re a Challenge

We were coworkers. I’ve never dated someone I worked with- it’s too messy. But this guy had a beautiful soul. He radiated joy and love everywhere he went. His light was impossible to resist. We hung out a few times after work and had great conversation. The interest was mutual, but he was flaky. For example, he cancelled plans 20 minutes before we were scheduled to meet up. Also, I was pretty sure he was hiding something.

As it turned out, I wasn’t the only one who thought he had a beautiful soul. He was also dating someone else at work! Can you imagine trying to juggle relationships with two coworkers while also holding down your job?!? I was mortified. Immediately, I washed my hands of the situation and thanked God nothing had happened between us.

He boomerang-ed a few weeks ago. He said he misses talking to me and asked if we could get together. I never confronted him about what happened because I didn’t have the opportunity. So, I seized the moment and told him how his behavior made me feel. He apologized and still asked if he could see me. For real, dude?!? Thank you, next.

So What Should you do?

“You teach people how to treat you. By what you allow, what you stop and what you reinforce.”

Tony Gaskins