Dating in your 30s is insert adjective here.
The last six weeks of the year pack a lot of punch: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s and my birthday. It’s natural to take stock in your life and progress at the end of the year. What have I accomplished? What has changed for better or worse during the last 12 months? For the past few years, my reflection has been the same. In spite of my best efforts, I can’t get anything moving in my love life or career.
Although equally frustrating and distressing, I find being without a partner the harder of the two. Even though I’m extremely independent and secure, I deeply desire to share my life with someone. Some women dream about being a mother, I dream about life with my person. Since he has yet to land on my doorstep, I have no choice, but to keep on dating. Sigh. After 20 years (holy s*!t), I’m still not an expert, but here’s what I know to be true.
Dating in your 30s is richer.
Dating in your 30s can be a better experience than in your 20s. In your 20s, you have so much to learn about how to be an adult. You need to figure out how to manage money, hold a full-time job, live independently from your parents and so on. At 22, you THINK you know yourself. But, let’s be honest, you’re barely out of puberty and don’t know your ass from your elbow.
You are comfortable in your skin.
In your 30s, you have a better understanding of who you are, what matters to you and what you’re looking for in a partner. Therefore, dating over 30 can be a richer experience because you can get right down to business. What do you think about politics, religion and kids? How do you approach finances? Many dating sites tell you to avoid those topics on the first few dates because they can be awkward or too intimate. But if the conversation naturally flows in that direction, I’m going there.
Casual dating is dead after 35. You’re likely dating with the intention of finding a long-term relationship or marriage. If he doesn’t check the boxes, move on to the next one. Your time is precious. Don’t waste it on someone who wants different things. People are who they are. You cannot change them.
Dating is complicated in your 30s.
There, I said it. Dating after 35 is really hard. Why? The pool of eligible singles is significantly smaller. Many people have been married before, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but they often have kids. Gasp!! Before you start yelling at me, hear me out. Merging the lives of two people takes work and commitment. Blending the lives of three or more people can be even more complicated. I’ve seen this done successfully, but I’ve also seen it go wrong. While I’m open to dating someone with kids, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hesitant. This isn’t a slight against singles with children. It’s just another complexity of being single later in life.
We’ve all got baggage.
Another difficulty of dating in your 30s is emotional baggage. Men lacking emotional intelligence is my number one complaint about dating at this age. If you can’t identify and verbalize your feelings, I’m outta there. I don’t want to guess why something is bothering you. I cannot read your mind. Being a hyper-masculine dude who doesn’t cry or express emotion is so last century. Don’t get me wrong, women come with baggage too. But it’s much more common for women to go to therapy. It’s rare to run across a man who’s open about needing support to process their emotional crap.
I dated a man who was emotionally stuck. Sadly, he experienced significant trauma in his childhood. It kept him closed off and affected our relationship because he ran away every time there was a bump in the road. I did everything I could to encourage him to get help. But in the end, he was unwilling to get out of his own way. He was never going to confront his demons and, what he could offer me wasn’t enough. At the end of the day, everyone has baggage. You have to decide if you can deal with someone else’s stuff.
For women who want to have children, every birthday after 35 is a reminder that your eggs are approaching their expiration date. As I enter my late 30s, my window of opportunity to have a baby is coming to a close, which is a strange concept. I don’t feel my age, but eggs have a shelf life whether I’m ready or not. I always assumed I’d have kids someday. Now that my biological clock is ticking, I find myself constantly wondering if this chapter of my life will remain unwritten. I’m working toward being OK with either outcome.
Be Flexible.
As you navigate the dating scene, find areas where you can be flexible. For example, if you typically just date within your race or ethnicity, it’s time to burst through that antiquated barrier! Diversity is the spice of life. There is so much beauty in walking beside someone who is different than you. Most of the men I’ve dated in my 30s haven’t been white. I like to think of myself as an equal opportunity dater. 😏
Similarly, do you have age or height requirements? I’ve dated men who were an inch or two shorter than me. They were great guys and their height didn’t make them any less masculine. Likewise, I’ve dated men who were four years younger and men who were 11 years older than me. Both experiences were valuable.
By having too many deal breakers, you may overlook someone who is otherwise perfect for you just because they aren’t your ideal height. You can do better than that. I have a girlfriend who’s close to 6′ tall. Recently, she loosened her height requirement. You can too.
Settling catches up with you
You are strong enough to wait for the person you want. Life is too short to be with the wrong person. If you aren’t sure if he’s “the one,” he’s probably not. Trust your instincts. Unlike a 24 year old, you’re well acquainted with the voice inside your head. Even if he is a good guy, committing to the wrong person eats away at you. So, if that sounds familiar, do something about it. Being alone is better than being with someone who doesn’t see you or value you. Whether your 28 or 68, be bold. It’s NEVER too late to change course.
You deserve a life that’s full of joy and love. Think about how much sweeter it will be when you find it, knowing you were patient and faithful. Trust that God hasn’t left you hanging. Don’t choose something or someone just because s/he is in front of you and you’re tired of waiting. You are worth more than that. And although it might be temporarily fulfilling, the decision will catch up with you. The wrong decisions always do.
Heal between Breakups
Break ups are difficult. If a past relationship or anything else is holding you back from being your best self, find a therapist. Asking for help is a sign of maturity. Take care of yourself so, that when he comes along, you’re whole and ready to jump in head first. There’s nothing more frustrating than meeting someone amazing, but isn’t in the right headspace to be dating. I’ve been there a few times unfortunately. Do other singles a solid and get your house in order before you start again.
Your Life is Happening NOW
Have you ever heard that saying, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” I recently wrote about my realization that I hadn’t made long-term financial goals because I was waiting to do it with someone. Your life keeps moving whether you’re in a relationship or not. Don’t let the desire for a partner keep you from living your best life now and moving toward your goals.