We were together about seven months and I thought this was it. He was kind, generous, emotionally articulate, an excellent communicator, Christian, even keeled, affectionate, a great friend and so on. I was loved for who I am and he didn’t see the things I struggle with as flaws. He fixed stuff around my house, cooked, was an amazing father to his children, and we wanted the same things out of life.

After meeting him, my mom told me he was a keeper. Although he was still healing from his past, he was transparent about it and was working with a therapist. We talked about the future, moving in, the dreams we had for our life together. After 20 years of dating, waiting, and praying, I thought I had finally found him.

Everything’s perfect until it’s not.

Somehow, in spite of the love, distance crept in. I felt the space between us, but thought it was a bump in the road, a dip that every couple experiences and we would work through it.

His behavior when I got sick is what made me realize there was a problem. Over the summer, I contracted Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and Ehrlichia from a tick bite. These illnesses sounds like diseases contracted on the Oregon Trail, but they’re a real thing. This illness was the sickest I’ve been as an adult. If you’ve never heard of RMSF and other tick borne illnesses, please do some research. These illnesses can cause life long complications if you don’t get on antibiotics fast enough and can even kill you. It was a miracle I didn’t end up in the hospital. Seriously, only me. 🤦‍♀️

Anyway, he did all the requisite boyfriend-ly duties when one’s girlfriend is sick, but he wasn’t emotionally present. Something had shifted. There was space between us and it gave me a sick feeling in my stomach. When I talked to him about it, I sobbed and told him I loved him (I’m a crier). I asked him not to give up on us, reminded him we had so much that was worth saving. Apparently, he didn’t feel the same way because he broke up with me a week later.

So many songs about heartache 😭

There’s a reason why there are so many songs about broken hearts. And, yes, I’ve cried to most of these jams at some point in my life. Like love, the pain of loss is universal. Having love one day and losing it the next is a shock to the system. Your whole world has been turned upside down. And the person you want to run to for support is the same person you lost which deepens the pain that much more.

I teared up to the Driver’s License song the other day: “You said forever, now I drive alone past your street.” Ugh, that’s spot on. It really got me.

Soooo, how do you mend a broken heart?

Time heals all wounds. Well, that’s a big fat lie if you’re not doing anything to help yourself get over the loss. Getting over someone you’re still in love with really sucks and it’s really hard. You must actively choose to move on.

There are five steps to mend a broken heart. It takes work and will power, but you can get through it and come back stronger.

Step 1: Remember Accurately

Don’t let your mind focus solely on the beautiful moments you shared. Yes, those memories feel good, but romanticizing a past relationship keeps you stuck. Trust me, I’ve been there more than once. Push yourself to think about the times that weren’t great: arguments, hurt feelings, red flags, moments you felt misunderstood.

When you’re in love, you often choose to ignore anything that could get in the way of your happiness. In my case, I knew he hadn’t fully processed baggage from previous relationships. But, I chose to keep this info in the back of my mind. I wasn’t shocked when that was one of the reasons he cited for the break up. Reminding myself of this helps me remember that our relationship wasn’t perfect, nor was he.

Step 2: Make a Clean Break

Rip the band-aid and make a clean break. No more texts or calls. It’s a huge adjustment to go from daily check-ins and the goodnight calls to no communication at all. You’ll feel the void at first, but gradually it will get easier.

Unfriend, unfollow, block them on social media. But then how will I know what they’re doing 24/7? You won’t, that’s the point. Constantly checking their page to see if they’ve posted guarantees you’ll stay stuck. Eventually, your ex will start dating again. The last thing you need to see is a picture of him/her with someone else. Protect yourself and make sure that doesn’t happen.

Next, get rid of relationship memorabilia. No, do not continue sleeping with the stuffed animal s/he gave you. Throw away the pressed flowers and the concert tickets and the love letters. If you must keep the love notes (and I do), put them some place you can’t easily access them.

One last thing, delete your text message thread. Truthfully, I haven’t done this yet, but I know it’s time. You do not need to reread the abridged version of your relationship via text at 2 o’clock in the morning, while listening to the songs listed above. Take a deep breath and let it go.

Above all, if you have a set back and make contact, start again. Chances are you won’t get the response you’re looking for and that should be the motivation you need to reinstate the no contact rule.

Step 3: Hold on to your Self-Esteem & Feel your Feelings

Your relationship ended. Now, you’re feeling rejected, lost and abandoned. But, that doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy of love! Don’t let your former partner take your self-worth when they leave. Your value comes from within, not from someone else. If you have a hard time believing that, ask your friends and family to remind you.

You’ve must process all of the gut wrenching thoughts and emotions that a break up brings to the surface. If you don’t, they’ll eventually come out in an unhealthy way which could cost you even more than you’ve already lost.

When you find yourself overcome with sadness, loneliness, anxiety about the future, remind yourself that feelings are temporary. You may feel emotionally overwhelmed right now, but that’s not how you’ll feel forever. Call a friend and make plans to get together. A change of scenery and someone to talk to makes a big difference.

Even if you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, it’s there. You will get back to your old self and find a new routine, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Step 4: Invest in Yourself

One thing that can be freeing is not having to consult someone about your schedule. Now is a great time to kick your career into high gear. Dedicate your time to being the best employee at the company. Show up in ways you haven’t before. Unhappy in your current position? It’s the perfect time to use your nights and weekends to go back to school or look for a new job.

If that doesn’t feel right, expose yourself to something new. Take a pottery class or start that DIY project you’ve been thinking about. Explore new ways to find joy in your daily life.

Step 5: It’s OK to Love Them

Love takes time to grow so your feelings aren’t going to change over night. In addition to being my boyfriend, the man I dated also became one of my closest friends. He walked by my side during a difficult time and listened when I needed help processing everything on my mind. He was my biggest fan and reminded me of my strength on days when I couldn’t find it.

Honestly, part of me will probably always love him. Being loved completely and absolutely is a gift I will always be grateful for. If you’re in the same boat and still have love for an ex, that’s ok. Love is always worth holding onto, even if the giver of that love isn’t in your life anymore. However, don’t let feelings for that person hold you back from moving forward.

Moving Forward

Healing after a break up isn’t a linear journey. It’s a two step forward, one step back kind of thing. Overall, if the relationship was a positive experience, be grateful for it. Hopefully, it confirmed that the type of person you’re looking for is out there. Experiencing loss is part of life unfortunately. But there is a silver lining.